3 men, and traveling with a girl friend

still not feeling so good today, it could be so many things that caused my nausea: too much alcohol, too much grass, too spicy something, malaria medication has side effects, I had a cut when I got my beard shaved at an old-school barber in Siem Reap Cambodia a couple of days ago, It could be any of the above that caused me not to feel so good. BUT, now and for the first time in a few weeks I have a couple of hours to kill and good internet access and am listening to a new Smashing Pumpkins studio recording (which fixed me right up, I can't stop smiling) so brace yourself for a long blog about whatever comes to mind from the past couple of weeks.

I met one man who embodies every projection I have had of what masculinity should be and would it looks like. Siry was his name, a French engineer working for shell and living in one of the french islands in the indian ocean off the coast of africa. very special. I first noticed him and his two travel companions in Sukhothai, then when we were in Chiang Mai we did a Thai Cooking Course and he happens to be there! I was pleased to see him, I was just watching closely every move, and my god he couldn't have said or done anything wrong, it was simply too perfect. the most attractive thing about him is that he is shy and humble, that is a hard quality to have when one is that good looking!

Then there was this guy Rob we met in Ko Tao, he had the bungalow next to ours on the beach. well this guy is like what a perfect boyfriend would be (if i was interested in such a relationship, and precedent proves that I am not too keen on that, since it usually means alot of compromise) BUT with this guy, he was so chilled out, relaxed, comfortable in his own skin that we were talking I just thought to myself, he would be "the boyfriend"..

later I met Merv, a professional Rugby player, English, and I pictured him stretching his muscles on a teak bed under a mosqito net.. It was a bit like a high school crush, also made me wish I was traveling alone, which makes it much easier to meet other single travelers, share a room, do whatever..

this last meeting brought out some old insecurities I haven't had to deal with in a long time. male companionship has been a tricky business for me as far back as I can remember.. it gets complicated and I already ran through it in my head a couple of days ago (If I was at a computer I would have put it to words, but now that I don;t have the same feelings its pointless to try to recount how I was feeling) but in short, when I feel an attraction to a guy it is very difficult for me to be around that person. and so inturns, I end up distancing myself from the person I wish to be close to... its actually sad.

More about traveling with a freind (especially a female friend) its such a cock-block / pain in the ass: everybody assumes we are a couple, and so people treat us as such, so a guy would ask me if Caroline is my girlfriend and I say no we are just friends, its still akward, what do we do now? I am still with someone, and the same works the other way, except caroline seems to have less of a problem having a little too much fun when I am just there watching (Full moon party) but generally she has well behaved. its been tricky for me to really let go and have the experience that I would have had if I was alone, because I do feel some responsibility to watch out for caroline and being a control freak like myself doesn't make that as easy of a task as it can be.