on fire

perfect

still full of love to give

I´m not bitter.

typical spanish

I have been recieving alot of love lately, mostly, for one exception that is just out of control of its own life. here are some quotes I heard in the past couple of days that stuck to my head:

"60 women and 2 men but they all deserved it..." - from a worthless piece of shit
" I want to be a tomato in your face!" - Andres
"I hear your heart singing..." - Andres with his head on my chest
"your sharing bunk bed with the hottest man in spain.." - some girl at my hostel room in valencia to her friend sleeping above me.

La Tomatina was a rediculous thing to be in.. as soon as Ken, Erik and I stepped out of the train in Buñol, a police man grabbed me by the arm and told me to stand aside. so strange. I was freaking out inside, I guess I do look like a terrorist with my very chic beard and intense eyes.
its 9 in the morning and we are drinking gigantic bears in the street with a bunch of screeming crazy mother fuckers, everyone dressed in almost nothing in preparation to get fucked up by tomatos, some people in customes, mostly men, about75-80% men, mostly between 20 and 29, it was fucking hot. I have never seen so much hot flesh in one spot, ragging gayness, rubbing touching , strangers ripping clothes off of each other, Erik was grabbed by 4 guys at one point all ripping a corner of his shirt. it was just so rediculous. I had no expectations but no idea its like that either, its probably the gayest thing I have ever experienced.. I have done a few gay things in my time. the steets completly packed with people, residents dumping buckets of water from above and then everyone has to squeeeze into the tiny side walks a few times in order to allow a big truck full of tomatinas to pass through with people inside throwing tomatos on the crowd, it was insane and messy and I love it. with the second canon shot, the throwing had to stop then we walked through the town, getting hosed down by random people making our way to the station with big beer stands and music, and thats where everyone was just getting naked, including myself.. whatever, I´m so coming back. I love spain

an old page

I found a page that I wrote in my book a couple of weeks ago, I may not feel the same way now, but here is what it said.

I feel like I´m making a big mistake by not going to Pezenas to see Flipo. I am frozen, I can´t think, I can´t decide. Today I had a rush go through my body telling me to run to barcelona to meet David but I was hoping that when I would go get a ticket,, they would tell me that the trains are sold out, that way the decision to stay in france for another day to see Flipo would be already made for me... but there was a place on the train, so I went. it was too easy, which made it feel like I´m doing the wrong thing (later this probably proved to be the wrong thing to do)
When I met Flipo I recognized him and felt a strange connection, something david would laugh about with his closed head. I felt like I was expecting to meet him and he expecting my visit. Energy filled me up and I was full of positive, creative thoughts. I began to immagine that this man was going to change my life, but I wasn´t sure how¿
I was eager to return to his studio, but when I had the chance I didn´t, instead I followed my heart jto barcelona. I have been sad and lonely all weekend thinking of David, replaying in my mind all the moments, what seemed like pure clean love. I listened to billy corgan going on the morning after a day of hiking in the mountains and tears filled my eye. I saw beauty in everythihng my soul was overwhelmed with emotions and my sensetivity was hard to live with.
friday morning, the day of departure from the island, we had a rude awakening when Concordia people arrived to take all camp supplies including our matresses and to close the camp. all the desperate feelings and thoughts of the last few days finally evaporated as it was clear by now that it was over and too late for anything new to happen.

Ken said "calatrava buildings are like aborted babies" which is so true, they all are destroyed and pretty bad shape before they are even finished.

valencia is a very nice town, a bit boring for my taste but pretty, the only thing happening right now are all the crazy australians and irish fucks drinking like a toilet and screeming non-sense. tomorrow is La Tomatina, the big tomato festival wrapping up my travels for the summer, I am going with ken and Erik, yay.

I have been thinking about andreas from Madrid alot today, he is incredible, we are so similar like in a way like we are the same person, it took a couple of hours to establish with him what took weeks with david.

Im going to bed to get ready for tomorrow tomato throwing¿¿

feeling hurt and very sick

these are random things I have written down while on the bus or the train in the last couple of days since friday. they are out of order, sometimes make no sense, some lines from songs that I was listening to made it in there... I made a way too long of a journy out of the way from madrid to a village in the north of spain where I lost everything I thought I had, broke my own heart and got really sick. I went back to madrid to be in the company of someone who loves me and isnt afraid to show it, but that doesnt make me feel that much better, the only one who can cure your pain is the one who made you suffer.




I´ll never feel lonely like I did before. I thought I´ll always know that he´s there but I was wrong. I be as lonely as I ever felt and more.

he thinks one thing, and says the other. I want one thing but I am afraid to say it. Just like old friends, we can´t pretend that lovers make ammends, we are reason so unreal, I feel that something has been lost. he knows hes just like me, so far I still know who you are, but now I wonder who I was. we´ll always be good friends he said, I always was so free.
strangers when we meet, strangers on the street, lovers when we sleep. facing each other every night. when I closed my eyes I still saw his face looking at me.

he makes me miss him more than home.

he loves me more than this, and he can not resist, I love him for myself and no one else.
I always watched him more across the darkness in our room. so romantic, so tragic.

who am I to need you when I´m down, where are you when I need you around, all I ask you if for another chance, another way around you. who am I to ask you why, to tell you no, you were never meant to belong to me.

you are a ghost of my indecision

you + me, meant to be immutable, impossible, its destiny, pure lunacy, incalcuable, insuffrable, for the last time your everything that I want .. who wouldnt be the one you love, a pure sould and beautiful you. dont understand, dont feel me now, I will breath for the both of us.

Travel the world + traverse the skies, your home is here within my heart

how much I need and bleed for your every move, I´ll wrap a wire around your heart and you,re mind forever now.

in valencia hating boston

I hate talking about what I do, or what school I go to or what I know how to do, its not important for me, its not really me, its what I have to do in order to afford the time and space to be closer to who I am. to runaway from the machines, misrable machines completey eaten up by standardized aleady defined life paths. to be this or to be that and make that much and eat at that resturant with the really sphisticated whatever and wear that skirt or that shirt not because they like it but because they think others will appreciate its price, so eaten up with the desire to be something totally self fabricated, reinventing their own history, telling people about their imagined past, their fine taste in cusine and fuck... its too much dealing with such constant presense of insecure people who think that being agressive, mean and an asshole means that they have a good grip on life, a good sense of who they are.. such delusion. there are the poorest people I encounter. I am not looking forward to going back to that.

mind body and heart are all destroyed - random notes

I always have a place to stay, I only spent a few hours in Madrid basically only at Mel´s party and I already have met people who would have me stay with them. I dont know why, I dont want to take advantage of anyone but I know that its there. I feel lucky but maybe it pays when one is humble not afraid to share insecurities and be realistic, authentically romantic with no pretentions.

I met Mel in London on my first day of travel, she reminds me of why its so nice to just be, to not care about what I stand for , what school, how much, what name, all these things that people are dying to gain and advertise, like most people I met in Boston, sometimes there is just a human to human connection that is precious and clear of all that bullshit ....

In the ultimate excercise of vanity I fell in love with what I thought was a reflection. but I paid and swallowed every remaining bit of pride that I had. I should have never allowed him that deep inside.

bleeding

I know im a little fucked up but I just wanted to say that I m so fucking happy and I love David so fucking much its rediculous.. I have b een looking for him all my life and we ended up on the island together and stayed together, it makes sense, I love him I want to cut open his heart and bleed my soul into him .
kisses

speeeeeeeeeeed

its 10 am , I just got back from a party with david and diego, it was a drum and bass party, im fuyckigg on from all the speed I did tonight.. me and david had more bonding moment telling eachother how we cant live without the other.. I am so fucking happy..
the party was really cool, but too short as usual.. I fuckign love barcelona, I keep adding days to my stay here., I will be at the beach all day today and Ken and Erik from New york should arrive any time now, cant wait. kisses to all especially jack.

up date

where to begin¿¿
its thursday morning, I am watching the simpsons in spanish, just finished eating a very stylish breakfast that I made for me David and Diego, the hash is pretty good, I got up at noon again, in my orange underwear on the floor next to David, I have been in paradise¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡
the last month has been overwhelmingly spiritual, emotional, life changing and I have found my twin soul.
after leaving france I took a 4 hour train from beziers to barcelona to meet David and hang out until he leaves go home up north. we were supposed to leave today but we got up too late and are staying another day. my first night back in barcelona I came to meet david at his friends place near the agbar tower and we met again after separating for the weekend after our island life ended. it was a much anticipated reunion since we have been attached at the hip for such a long time, three nights apart felt like eternity. the second night we went out for a drink with alberto and sandra, went to raval, the arab quarter in barcelona, had some really nice wine in a very hot little bar then went to meet a couple of guys who were selling us some chocolate, some burro! then we went to a street party near sans with very very cool people, that day I only had some tortilla for breakfast and nothing else after, maybe a banana, so after the wine, beer, mojito, some other brazilian drink, some local drink made of rum set on fire with lemons and something else, and smoking some very strong burro, I was totally powerless, david had lost all his inhibitions and started to flirt, I said "I need to sit" then my head hit the asphalt, I totally passed out in barcelona, again! I remember things blacking out then the music being muffuled then opening my eye to see some guy lifting my legs into the air to get my blood to my head, some girl putting ice on my head and david holing me up.. It was embarecing but to people here thats a sign that I am having too good of a time. anyway, we sat on the side and david was increasingly sexual, making me a bit uncomfortable, since I want to be all over him just not at that moment. we went home later around 4 and some interesting things happened.. blah blah..

I love barcelona. I just found out last night from this amature photographer dude that there was a big post sonar party on sunday after sonar ended with miss kitten and big names DJing on the beach..

last weekend after the island I went to meet armand and Yvon to go hiking in the mountains for the weekend, then we met some others.. we went by hitch hiking, my first time, its so normal here to do it, it was really interesting..
the first night after the island I was very down, out of energy and completly missing David. I love Yvon.. he is a very special guy. when we first met at the feria in beziers the week before, he looked at me, shook my hand and said "I recognize you", we talked and it felt like we already know each other.. hes a tough smart good looking tintin looking guy from britan in the north of france. we hitch hiked to a village at the bottom of the mountain then worked our way up for a 3.5 hour climb, half of which was under heavy rain. we reached our destination just before sunset. in the middle of the woods away from any road, there are the remains fo some almost ancient stone homes, at one of them is a group caming and another concordia group and that was our rest stop for the night. it was a crazy party in the middle of no where, some 40 odd people in the middle of the woods over a thousand meters above sea level with no lights but the stars, a stone oven where pizza is being made and served on flat slices of stone, drinks flowing, people kissing, music playing, fire burning, pictures taken, it was a very very very fun party. it was very cold later in the night and I didnt have a proper sleeping bag so I squeezed between two people to keep warm in the big tent that we had brought.
the next day we continued up to the peak then headed down for another 4 hour hike to find a special place to swim in the river. we met some other concordia people at the swiming area and spent some time there then I hitch hiked back with Leo and Matti, Leo is a very nice french 18 year old who was with the concordia group and we had met the week before.. Matti I just met there and hes a very very nice guy from prague.. we hitch hiked easy with no problem...
I left the next morning to go to beziers where I was to choose either to go back to pezenas and hang out with flipo or to go to barcelona to meet david. Yvon gave me his sweater, I love that guy. this summer I hung out and met so many people who are so close to my heart, free spirits, totally authentic unconcerned with..whatever..
I felt like I am making a big mistake not to go see flipo who offered me to stay at his renovated 17 century palazzo but I really really was missing david after that weekend at the mountains and decided to go to barcelona to see him.
listening to music that we both love is super emotional for me now, anything billy corgan specially later stuff gets my tears really going.
so much to say but I gotta go for now.. I still havent said a thing about the island. joder!